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Diary July 2019

我在午时醒来，身边的人还在梦里。我一直懈怠地活着，茫然又纯洁地消遣着最美好的年岁。我不再自言自语了，用原始的触觉与嗅觉记忆世界；时间有时会很慢，有时候很快，日升月落里，十九岁就这样渡过去了。

 我有时怀抱自己的时候想起从前自己的样子也会怅然若失。日子只是这样，也不过这样。我满足起来以后，难免碌碌无为。但这一切都没什么关系吧：十九岁的年月，就这样没天没地地做爱，吃饭，睡觉吧。刚刚成年的自己，与社会，过去与未来的自己有关联又没关联；那就在时间的灰色地带苟且地，天真地这样感受这个世界吧。

I wake at noon. The person beside me is still dreaming.

I have lived with a kind of quiet indifference, passing through the finest years of my life with equal parts innocence and uncertainty. I no longer speak to myself. Instead, I remember the world through touch and scent. Sometimes time slows to a crawl; sometimes it vanishes before I can notice it. Between one sunrise and the next, between the moon rising and setting, I simply drifted through nineteen.

Sometimes, when I wrap my arms around myself, I think of who I used to be, and a quiet emptiness settles over me. Life is only this. It has never been much more than this. Once I find contentment, I inevitably become aimless.

But perhaps none of that really matters.

At nineteen, let the days pass without direction—making love, eating, sleeping. Having only just stepped into adulthood, I feel both connected to and completely detached from society, from the person I once was, and from the person I have yet to become. So I remain here, lingering in the gray territory of time, awkwardly, innocently, learning the world simply by living through it.