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Diary May Jan/2015 High School

最近脑子很乱，心里总有无数个声音同时说话。人郁郁沉沉，眯着眼打量别人并且带着无端地倨傲的目光打量这世界。每次写这类给自己看的文章的时候都觉得自己最美好的时候已经过去，比如上一次写那篇中二的序言的时候。因为一些事情心里很是不平，觉得心里垂着千斤顶一样难受。有的时候恍恍惚惚间觉得自己好像降临到了什么边缘，身子和心灵都清净又明朗，但马上就回到初始状态。我也发现了唯一能让我帮自己降临到那边缘的就是眼泪。 我似乎明白了那些清修者面对主痛哭流涕时的感觉，那种觉得自己灵魂清净了的感觉。印度人发明了冥想并通过到达身体极限找到万物之源，与最初清修者是一样的。 世界上的人各有追求，本来都是有万物之源的个体，被人类群居的天性连到一起之后污染。离群索居是所谓智慧，隐于市集是另一种智慧。

Lately, my mind has been in complete disarray. It feels as though countless voices are speaking inside me all at once. I move through the days heavy-hearted, squinting at other people, looking at the world with an arrogance that seems to come from nowhere.

Because of certain things, there is a deep resentment lodged inside me. It feels as though a hydraulic jack were hanging from my heart, weighing it down. Sometimes, in a hazy moment between waking and dreaming, I feel as though I have arrived at the edge of something. My body and my spirit become clear, clean, almost luminous. But the feeling vanishes almost immediately, and I slip back into my old state.

I have come to realize that tears are the only thing capable of carrying me to that threshold.

Perhaps this is what the early ascetics felt when they stood before God and wept without restraint—that overwhelming sense that the soul itself had been washed clean. Those who developed meditation in India sought the source of all things by pushing the body to its limits. In the end, they were searching for the same place.

Everyone in this world pursues something different. Each of us begins as an individual rooted in the source of all things, yet we become clouded once our social nature binds us together. To withdraw from the world is one kind of wisdom. To remain hidden in the marketplace is another.